It probably began sometime last week when i began losing patience with my mom. Last year when my dad went overseas/westpack.. my mom and i were at each other's throats, me constantly getting pissed at her.. constantly locking myself in my room to just calm myself down. then over the year the parents and i talked out our feelings and i thought that what happened between me and my mom wouldnt happen again because we were getting along so well.

but yes..my dad's overseas and im beginning to lose my patience again. ugh dammit. i hate myself for how i've allowed myself to become. i dont really know how things came to this and i've tried changing things but its just hard. ugh yes.. "life is not easy" and all that bull. once again my faith in God is slipping too. = everything is just slipping i guess.

i visited some friends at the college like i do every week just to get my breath of "fresh air" away from home in hopes that seeing some of them would bring me some comfort and peace of mind. it did momentarily. but the paranoia in me made me doubt a lot of things. how these people really felt about me. some of them were so silent to me and so i didnt know how to react or what to think.. and so i did what i usually do.. i thought that maybe i did something wrong and it began to tear me apart. all these thoughts.. negative thoughts are driving me insane. one of the many "perks" of being on vacation.. especially for so long... thinking thinking thinking.. YAYEE DAMMIT!!

or i think it began when i was trying to decide on what classes to register for. i've decided to just go with the nursing crap.. but then i began having my doubts again.. difficulties and what not.. i dont want to waste any more of my parents' time and money.. but ugh.. i dont know whats become of me..

i wanna talk with a friend about this. WANT to.. but it seems so bothersome.. and will they really understand? "blah blah.... they won't know until you talk to them about it".. plus.. its really hard for me to open up in person.. i'll probably just blow it off like its nothing. *ugh janis you're SUCH a difficult person*

so to the people that have been wondering.. this is the reason(s) as to why i was quiet today.. or why i've had a bit of an attitude during choir practice.. and other stuff... >=

God help me please.... im sorry..

one of the lessons at church was that God has given everyone a gift. i dunno.. a gift to use to make God look good as the pastor would say.. what is my gift? is what i'd like to know.. i was talking with vanessa a couple days/weeks ago about this.. and she says that its easy for other people to see it but she didnt really clue me into what my God given gift was. =\ she basically stated that im talented. yayee? sigh...

then this other message about change.. nothing too in depth.. change is hard but isn't IMPOSSIBLE.. sigh.. =\

its weird when you think you've become friends with someone.. you talk online.. you talk in person.. then all of a sudden.. things become silent and you wonder if YOU'RE the one to blame for the sudden silence.. = i hate it.. its another one of those things that adds onto my "misery"/"pain"/abundance of stupid/troubling thoughts.